佚名/Anonymous
At the age of 13, my life had appeared to have fallen apart. The recent death of my grandmother, the sadness and depression of my mother, and the surprise reunion of my birth mother sent me into a complete sense of loss, confusion and sadness.
I grew up in a family of major control. Both parents were European and“too proud”to seek help when the family almost fell apart several times. I felt the only thing that I could control was what I ate and most importantly—didn't eat. In one day I would consume a bag of popcorn and then let it carry me for the rest of the week!
I had people comment on how great I looked.“You are so lucky—you look so thin!”I honestly didn't even realize what I was doing and the consequences it had and would have on my maturing body.
I eventually had blackouts and one day I landed on the curbside while on a walk with my parents. My mother yelled at me and asked,“Are you pregnant?”I yelled back when I finally came to and replied,“Of course not! I need a boyfriend for that type of event to occur.”Needless to say, my mother didn't think my comment was funny at all!
I blacked out many times after that in the hallway at school, at home and other places. I later started to suffer from migraines, which would last for many years. The lack of food would often trigger a migraine. My health would only become much worse.
I felt good when I didn't eat and found that whenever I was under great stress, I wouldn't eat. I spent many times growing up in my home alone. I know I have huge issues of abandonment, loss and control in my life. These are the core issues to my anorexia. I don't think of this word at all as describing my“non-eating”time in my life. It was in the mid to late 80's when I first met my boyfriend's cousin. We met at his parents' home. She was eating a pizza slice. While watching her eat, I started to recognize myself through her in the way she ate the pizza. It felt really strange to watch her hide most of what she chewed in her napkin for no one else to see. That was me! I identified with her completely! I was relieved to see that there was someone else out there like me. I didn't even notice how terribly thin she was until I saw a photo of her about a year later. She was hospitalized and was in serious condition! She lived out of town, so we only saw her once in a while.